Dear Readers:

It has come to my attention that the trials and tribulations of a pro-good chewing gum activist can only do so much on the Internet.

Loyal friends, it's time to go to the streets.

WE MUST TAKE BACK WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY OURS.

WE MUST TAKE BACK THE GUM THAT LASTS FOR HOURS ON END, THAT KEEPS BREATH FRESH, AND THAT DOES NOT RATTLE IN ONE'S POCKET.

WE MUST TAKE BACK AMERICA AS A SOVEREIGN AND GUM-LOVING NATION.

3 WORDS:

Barack.

Hussein.

Obama.

HUSSEIN.

HUSSEIN!!!

HUSSEIN!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!

WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!1!!!!!!!

(PLUS: OBAMA RHYMES WITH OSAMA!!!!!)

HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?????/??

THE CUBES

I have to admit, dear readers, that the cube shape was not the first thing that attracted me to this product. It was the price and the location of the display. And that I wanted gum. The display sat right next to the register, gleaning with its alluring qualities. It was in my state of near-drunken frivolity that I purchased this gum. It was $1.09.

I wanted to get something to freshen my breath and unequivocally found something that was a waste of time, energy and resources. I specifically went there to avoid the Ice Breakers' mints, which I had purchased before, knowing of their intense rattling in my pocket.

The rattling, to my dismay, lets others know I have something in my pocket. I didn't want a THING to inform my fellow human beings that I have naturally bad breath and that I refuse to brush my teeth. This, my dear friends, was another mistake on my part.

So I bought the gum, not knowing that they were in cube form and I put it in my pocket, rattling as I walked away.

The EMBARRASSMENT, people, the embarrassment.

Ice Cube Gum STILL SUCKS!

So yesterday I needed to remember the room number where my new class. I didn't have any paper on me, and I needed a place to write the classroom location so I wouldn't forget, so I pulled out my Ice Breakers Ice Cubes gum packet.

And I thought to myself, "Oh, this chewing gum casing is made out of a thin cardboard, I should be able to write my classroom number on this and be able to remember where my class is."

But no, the Ice Cubes gum failed again.

I started writing, but it turns out the colour on the box was too dark and even when writing in big, thick pen lines, THE BOX COULD NOT PROPERLY COPE WITH ME WRITING ON IT.

It started collapsing. I freaked out and dropped the box. I picked it up and tried to write lighter, but alas, dear reader, my pen ink wasn't dark enough to see on top of the disgusting graphics shown on the box.

So, I shed a small tear and did what any gum-degraded man would do.

I took the pen to my hand.

Yes, I'm ashamed to say it, but I wrote on my hand. I EAT WITH THAT HAND. I WASH MY RIGHT HAND WITH THAT HAND. I DO SO MANY THINGS WITH THAT HAND.

And it was defiled, all because of the Ice Breakers Ice Cubes gum.

I pray my children never find out about this.

Ice Breakers: Ice Cubes Gum...

...SUCKS.

Advertisements are meant to sell products.

THIS I DEEM THE ANTI-AD.

A few days ago, I bought some gum from the local general store. This gum, called "Ice Cubes" by the company Ice Breakers (owned by Hershey) claims that it's gum is "instantly cold and loaded with dazzling flavor crystals"....

YEAH, that's what they WANT you to think.

Although the gum was filled with its kiwi-watermelon flavor at the outset of che

wing, the taste diminished at an obscene rate never seen before in the world of chewing gum.

The company's website fails to mention this and I intend to make up for it.

TWO minutes in! A mere TWO minutes, and the flavor crystals implode on themselves, leaving the cold gummy carcass behind in your mouth. This in turn creates the whole new chore of burial or cremation.

A note to readers: BEWARE!

Do not purchase this gum if you have high expectations for delicious mouth experiences. This "Ice Cube" gum will leave you sorely disappointed.